Note -- I originally wrote this as a post on The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster website. As much as I feel it's important to keep political views away from the church website, I also recognize that America is incredibly divided at the moment. And I had an idea I hope may heal our nation in some small way.
Specifically this is about Trump's border wall. I am proposing an alternative project that may satisfy the Left - who are worried about fiscal responsibility, and the Right - who are less interested in factual arguments and more concerned about the message we're sending to the world. And most of all I hope that this project appeals to President Trump's aesthetic tastes and his love of grand construction projects.
President Trump: you should build a monument instead of a border wall.
I won't make the usual arguments against the wall -- that border apprehensions are at a 40-year low; that immigrants are not a leading (or growing) cause of crime; that it is technology, not immigrants, taking American jobs. There are countless studies that conclude a border wall will be tremendously expensive and ineffective at its goals.
But I'm sure you understand this.
The wall clearly is about symbolism, about the message it sends to the world. And about you, and what your presidency represents. Here is a wall, you people stay on your side - America is full. The wall is about drawing a line, about Real American values, about American toughness.
But can I suggest to you that your followers may not entirely understand this message? That they may not be attuned to subtle ideas like symbolism? They may be irked after you spend $15 Billion of our tax dollars on a wall that does not improve American lives in any meaningful way, no matter the message it sends.
Let me next appeal to your sense of aesthetics. You've spent your life building magnificent buildings, beautiful golf courses, resorts and so on. The Wall will be ugly and plain, the money must be spread across too many hundreds of miles to be spectacular in any given spot. No one will want to come to look at it, no one will be impressed with it's grandeur. Do you want that to be your legacy?
So I propose you announce a different project -- a grand, glittering monument -- one that promotes the idea of American Toughness, and which - I think economists will back me up - is a better use of our tax dollars.
Rather than describe the monument in words, I've commissioned an architectural concept drawing of the monument:
You'll notice they're gold. I did the math* and for a set of testicles roughly 30 feet tall, you can safely budget $10 Billion to gold plate the balls at a thickness of over an inch and still come out under what your border wall is estimated to cost.
And unlike a wall, here you'll have a monument that people can come and admire in all its glory. Here is the literal symbol of virility and masculine toughness and all things alpha-male. Your followers are unlikely to miss the message.
Plus, this monument is a safe investment -- if things don't work out, the gold can be reclaimed. Unlike a border wall, the money spent gold plating a massive set of testicles is not a wasteful use of taxpayer money.
Thank you for your time. Please let me know if I can help with more details and so on (I have some ideas on replacing Obamacare also).
-Bobby Henderson, Concerned citizen and taxpayer
* The math:
A set of balls 10 meters tall has a volume of approximately 697 cubic meters, with a surface area approximately 412 square meters.
At the current spot price of gold at $1256 per Ounce, $10 Billion will purchase 247,635 Kilograms of gold.
With a density of 19320 kilograms per cubic meter, that pile of gold has a volume of approximately 12.81 cubic meters.
That volume, divided by surface area of 412 square meters gives us a gold plating depth of approximately 3.1 CM or 1.2".
Architectural concept drawing by my artist friend Avelino